Finding Cuddle Partners

In Conscious Growth Club, there was a recent discussion about finding cuddle partners – i.e. someone to physically cuddle with when you want – so I thought I’d turn what I shared about this into a blog post with some tips on finding cuddle partners. Obviously this will be more useful when you’re not under a virus lockdown. 😉

Basically what I shared in CGC was a list of tips for increasing the chances of finding a cuddle partner. Here’s a refined version of that:

  • Hang out with cuddle-friendly and touch-friendly people more often. Spend more time around the hugger types. This helps a lot in picking up the vibe and getting more comfortable with people offering various forms of touch.
  • Spend less time with touch-avoidant people in person, so you can do more of the previous item. Don’t invest as much time and energy in the non-hugger types of people; if you do it will probably just hold you back. You need to move away from that mindset / vibe.
  • Ask for advice from the most huggy and touchy people you know, especially if you find someone who didn’t start out that way. I definitely didn’t start out that way, and it helped to just hang out and talk to people who had touch-abundant lives. At first it seemed they had skills and experiences that were far beyond my reality, but eventually I came to see that this was an invitation to a personal growth journey.
  • Be patient with yourself, but keep leaning into this if it’s what you want. You can get there. It will just take time. You probably have some misaligned behaviors and attitudes to overcome.
  • Tell the hugger types you know that you want the most truthful feedback they can give you, so you can raise your awareness of your problematic behaviors and attitudes that could repel what you want. They probably won’t tell you truths like “you have a put-offish attitude” or “you hug like a dead bird” or “you’re coming on too aggressively” unless you invite this level of honesty from them. Then take these hard truths as invitations to grow, not as personal attacks.
  • Invite people to cuddle when you feel they might be up for it. Do this in person ideally. Commence cuddling immediately if the answer is positive. I’ll share examples of cuddle invites after this list.
  • Publicly write, speak, and share about this pursuit, so people will know you’re into in it. Don’t hide if you want different results. If anyone gives you serious flak for it, I suggest dropping them from your social circle. Who needs that kind of friction? Purge the unsupportive social riff-raff. It’s challenging enough to have growth experiences with good social support from people who respect your goals and desires. Sharing human touch is beautiful. Own that desire fully.
  • If you think there’s something wrong with cuddling or with wanting a touch-abundant life, then journal the heck out of those false beliefs till you’re ready to replace them who a more empowering frame. Note the many benefits of cuddling, including better health and happiness, you’ll understand the point of offering cuddle invitations. There are lots of people who like and appreciate cuddling, and their mindsets are aligned with experiencing it. This isn’t just about meeting your needs. You’re helping someone else meet their needs too. Cuddling is to gift to yourself and to another person.
  • Be on the lookout for more cuddle opportunities like cuddle parties or cuddle meetup groups. Ask around to see if anyone knows of one happening soon. I think one-on-one invites are much better, but cuddle parties could be a good way to get started if you think that inviting a specific person takes too much courage. You may even find a cuddle meetup group in your area.
  • If you want a super cuddly long-term partner, don’t bother investing too much time in connections with people who aren’t into cuddling, at least not while you’re interested in finding a good match. Focus on what you want, and don’t settle for partial matches. There are lots of cuddle-friendly people out there, so there’s not need to try to convince someone to stretch themselves to be into it. If you meet someone who isn’t into it, move on quickly.
  • Visualize enjoying cuddles, and smile. You can cuddle a blanket, pillow, or teddy bear for practice. Feel what you think it would feel like to be enjoying this for real.
  • Realize that there are lots of people out there who’d love more touch, so the odds of finding matches are great if you just make enough invitations.
  • When you’re ready for it, push your cuddle skills higher by cuddling two people at once, one on each side. It’s super yummy but can get a bit hot in the middle if it’s overnight, so make sure the room is cool.
  • Remind yourself that as with many other personal growth pursuits, if you just keep investing in exploration and growth, some form of abundance is likely. It’s just a matter of time.
  • A key behavioral change to focus on is making cuddle invitations. The more you invite, the more you get to experience. You can make such invitations through any medium you like: in person, phone, text, email, social media direct messages, etc.
  • With enough practice you’ll get locked into the vibe of having these experiences, so making more cuddle invitations becomes pretty natural and easy. Experience builds confidence. There’s no need to fake confidence before you have experience. It’s totally fine to be a beginner. Just be a growth-oriented beginner, and keep nudging yourself to lean into action.
  • If you’re cuddling someone who’s inexperienced with cuddling, try to be extra kind and sensitive to their needs and concerns. Also help them discover what they like. Do your part to give others a good experience, so they can feel more confident in continuing their journeys as well.

Cuddle Invites

Cuddle invites are actually very simple and may go something like this:

Me: You look super cuddlable by the way.

Her: Oh how observant you are. I’m actually one of the best cuddlers in the world!

Me: Well I’d love to cuddle you right now.

Her: That sounds yummy, but the experience might spoil you, and then you’d feel sad cuddling anyone else.

Me: You’re that good, eh?

Or…

Me: If you feel like cuddling sometime, just know that I’d definitely be up for it.

Her: Hmmm… I think that would be nice.

Me: How about right now?

Her: Okay, why not? How should we do it?

And sometimes it’s the other way around, partly due to sharing about this openly…

Her: By the way… I’ve been reading your blog for many years, so I know you really like to cuddle. I like cuddling too.

Me: Would you like to cuddle right now?

Her: Yes, that sounds really nice.

In this last scenario, it’s also common for the woman to make some comment that lets me know she’s available too. For instance, she may note that she doesn’t have a current partner, that she just went through a recent breakup, or that she’s currently in an open relationship.

Usually we’d cuddle on the spot if the invite was done in person. Or if it was online, then it would happen later of course. I was surprised that my cuddle invites resulted in about 95% yeses. I didn’t think it would be so high. But I think that’s mainly because of what I’ll share in the next section.

Playfulness

Conversations don’t normally start out like the snippets above. There may be a lot more chatting before that, usually at least 15 minutes.

This little pieces of dialog assume that we were already having a bit of a playful banter beforehand, so we already created a nice connection with some laughter.

Sharing laughs, I would say, is one of the best precursors to a cuddle invitation. Laughing together builds trust and connection. I tend to think of cuddling as rather playful too, so when there are laughs and smiles, it tends to lead nicely into cuddling if there’s mutual interest.

I remember one time I got a gentle no for a cuddle invite, and there were no laughs in our conversation beforehand. It was too serious, which made the invitation not feel as natural. And I think the lack of laughter was a sign that the connection and rapport just wasn’t there.

If a conversation is very mental, such as talking about work or business ideas, I think it would be pretty awkward to turn that towards a cuddle invitation. The vibe just isn’t proximate enough.

If you can’t be playful, it’s likely because you’ve got a clogged and crusty heart-brain connection. A poor diet is one of the main culprits there. It takes emotional energy to be playful, and the body won’t generate much emotional energy if it’s overburdened with various other problems to deal with. Hence poor health habits can indeed be a barrier to feeling playful enough to invite cuddle experiences.

Cuddle Abundance

For some people it can be a long journey to cuddle abundance. It certainly was for me. What feels natural to me now was nothing of the sort many years ago.

I think the challenge of the journey just creates extra gratitude later on though. Thanks to a super cuddly wife who loves sharing touch, I rarely go more than a few hours without some kind of touch, cuddling, or affection in each day, which is especially nice to have while under virus lockdown. I think this is probably why we don’t mind it so much.

The key is simply not to give up. It may take years to create the experiences you desire, but the time will pass anyway, so you might as well invest in growing in this area. Lean into behavioral changes such that the passage of time shows you how much progress you’ve made.

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Read Finding Cuddle Partners by Steve Pavlina